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Religion jokes

Collection of maybe the funnies Religion jokes in internet.

Two beggars are sitting side by side

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

Old jew says to his wife

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife :

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? – Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? – I was, Moshe.

And now you’re at my death bed, aren’t you? – I am, darling.

I’m starting to think you’re bad luck, Sarah.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter looks through his book and tells him “I don’t see any reason why we should let you in. You don’t seem to have done anything worthy in your life.”

The guy replies: “what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off.”

St. Peter: “You really did that? When did this happen?”

The guy: “About 5 minutes ago!”

Forgive me father for i have sinned

“go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man. “continue” says the priest. “I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway”. “and this is when you swore?” asked the priest. “No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man. “this must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed. “No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it” continued the man. “Ahhh I see” says the priest “this must have been the point where you swore” “Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole” The priest pauses for a few seconds “you missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”

A high school guy was looking for a nickname…

A high school kid was looking for a nick for himself.
He wanted a nick that would strike terror in the hearts of those who heard it. He wanted a name to which everyone bow down to heads to… a nickname that when pronounced. would cause his enemies to run away.
A name. he thought. that would make everyone aware of his presence.
One day at a party. his friend asked him:
Fr: Hey dude. did you come up with a nick?
Eagerly for his friend to hear his nick. He said:
Yeah and It’s cool as fuck and everyone will be scared of me.
Fr: Yeah? What is it?
He said his nick loud and clear for his friend to hear:
ALLAHU AKBAR
Mission Accomplished.

Two priests are out driving one day

Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver “Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re looking for a couple of child molesters”

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

“Alright officer, we’ll do it”

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer ?